365 days and then tomorrow

it's been 365 days since what i would claim to be one of the worst days of my life, if not the absolute worst.  i remember coming home from the doctor's visit when we got the news that we would be delivering our second son the next day and he would not take a breath and saying to my father through a dazed stupor while sitting on the couch, "we survived it one time.  but, dad, i just don't know if we can survive it again."

i would be lying to you if i didn't readily admit that i have shed many tears tonight.  i would be lying to you if i didn't tell you that as i stare at this computer screen it is through blurred vision because my eyes are full and ready to release lots of salty water down my face again.

365 days ago we found out that the son for whom we had prayed for with great hope and passion would be born sleeping.  levi bradley woodman, our second born son, was held in our arms for those few sweet hours.  we prayed over him.  we admired how much he looked like his two big sisters that have the strong woodman genes, lila and ella {owen looked more like the bradley side and his big sis, hali}.  we kissed his cheeks.  we then had to say 'goodbye' to him.

365 days ago we walked out of a hospital with empty arms, empty hearts and what felt like empty dreams.

on this eve of levi's first birthday in heaven, i wanted to share with you {and to chronicle for our own family's historical sake} what tomorrow will represent.  we will be remembering that boy who we wish we could hold again.  we will be celebrating that he gets to spend a lifetime in heaven.  his sisters are feeling the weight of tomorrow in different ways.  tonight at dinner, when told that hali could only have water or milk and not a sweeter drink, her response was, "well, why can't i just have what i want on my brother's birthday?".  i couldn't decide whether i was frustrated that she was manipulating us or sad that her heart is so aware of the loss.  we hold levi bradley and his big brother {both are known as the "little brother angels" in our home} in our hearts every day and we would do anything to kiss their faces and see them one more time.

but, because jesus is who he says he is and because he is faithful, tomorrow will also represent something else for our family.  details matter to God, no doubt.  

i was invited to attend a retreat for adoptive mothers SEVERAL months ago.  i only had to think about the decision for a few minutes when i knew that this retreat was a no-brainer, total YES decision for me.  johnny and i have wanted to adopt an african-american son since long before we were even married or started having children.  it was one of those amazing things about dating someone and finding out that he/she shared the same dreams throughout life and that those dreams totally mirrored one another's.  anyone who has been around us for any amount of time has heard us talking about the dark-skinned son who we have longed to welcome into our hearts.

well, tomorrow is levi's birthday and tomorrow is also the day {because God cares about details} that i will leave for this retreat where i will be focused solely on hearing from the lord what he desires for our family.  i will be hearing from mothers who have adopted from all over the world.  and, i am especially excited about the breakout i am taking entitled "what african mothers want you to know about raising black children."

i write this post tonight because really, more than anything, i am desiring to remain completely vulnerable and in a posture with open arms begging for prayer.

would you please pray for our broken hearts as we remember levi tomorrow?

would you please pray that our hearts would remain hopeful as we continue into the month and celebrate owen's 2nd birthday in heaven on feb 21st?

would you please pray for clarity and wisdom as i seek the lord this weekend on this retreat about adoption?

would you please pray, that if it is the lord's will, that it would not be a hard and long journey to this little boy who we pray will carry the name 'woodman'?

the concept of adoption was much more whimsical and exciting when it didn't come behind such pain.  we stand firm that God called us to parent this little boy LONG before our losses, but it is much more heart-wrenching after the road that we have walked.

this is very difficult for me to unveil exactly where we are right now because there is always a chance that the adoption does not happen.  heck, i haven't even gotten myself to complete the initial paperwork yet!  however YOU, our community, have stood with us through the dark days so we now ask that you pray for us at this next stage.  we need your prayers BIG time.  if the next season is adoption for us, this will be so big in many ways and God has to show off.  i need to get our paperwork submitted, our family needs to begin to prepare, our profile needs to be chosen by a mother, and we have to save a whole lot of money before this little boy can come home.  we believe that God is faithful and we believe that there is, once again, a little boy who we will hold one day.  i resonate with hillsong's lyric "spirit, lead me where my faith is without borders."  yes, this is faith and this is hard and beautiful all at the same time.

tomorrow is a big day around here.  tomorrow is one of those days that i will look back on for the rest of my life.

happy birthday in heaven, sweet levi bradley woodman.

video #2

After my video was shown at the women's retreat this year, it was asked if we would be willing to do another video for the larger church that included my husband's perspective and gave a current demonstration of where God had us on this journey.  Here is a glimpse into our hearts and our reality...still we will praise Him.

https://vimeo.com/67187918

several {months}

yes, it has been several months since i've picked up the computer to write.  to tell you the truth, i have not had the words to utter.  my heart has been processing and i realized that i needed to keep my mouth closed.  {i do better that way, ya know!}

my joke is that i get paid to listen.  i listen all day in my job.  but, often, being still before the sovereign God of the universe and just LISTENING can be a challenge.  this last season for me was about listening to Him.  

to try to find words to describe what God has revealed or exactly where we are would be silly.  but, our dear friend, ryan, shared with us a song with a message that clearly speaks to our heart and describes what we feel the Lord has asked of us.  

if you have ever wondered why God allows difficulty in life or what He intends to do with your pain...or if you are one of the people who constantly ask us how we find our strength or what we believe...please take 6 minutes of your time to check this out.  i sing it out at the top of my lungs and WEEP every time.  may He use this to speak to your heart as well.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY 

video

I believe that God told me that our grief, after only having lost Owen, was not to be private.  We strongly believe that we must grieve publicly...because it's not about us, it's about Him.  I think my preference would be to put on my Southern Belle face, ask how YOU are doing, tell you I'm doing fine, and give you a big smile and hug.  HOWEVER, that is about ME.  There is no part of this journey that I want to remain inwardly focused.  So...that being said...after one of my posts about finding joy after pain, I received a text message from a friend who was charged with leading the women's retreat at our church.  She told me how much God was weaving this cool picture with different people learning the same lesson right now :: trust Him despite your circumstance and choose JOY.  I wrote back that we knew that God has asked us to be vulnerable and raw so I would help in any way.  The below is the outcome of that conversation.  It is a very honest video about what God is doing and will do in our lives.  We have been asked to do another video also that will include my husband's perspective that I will post when it is complete.

https://vimeo.com/64851940

rocked to {the core}

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

those words in a song by laura story get me in my core.  what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

wow.

not even sure how to wrestle this one down to the ground.

if you know me well, you know that i meet jesus in the bubble bath almost nightly.  that's our holy ground where we do business on a frequent basis.  {sorry if that's TMI for some of you!} my current reading for the bubble bath is a book about a mother's loss.  she talks about how much her life changed, yet joy kept creeping in and eventually found a home in her heart again.

i am moving to a season when the pain is not as raw.  i don't have a gaping wound or feel as though i'm standing on the side of the road looking at the carnage of a wreck scene anymore.  for truly, God does give us joy and He does provide healing.

going back to what we were told by Him in delivering our second son, Levi - 

the joy of the Lord is my strength {nehemiah 8}.

if the joy of the Lord is my strength, then truly the trials of this life are, in fact, His mercies in disguise as laura story writes.  i will never be the same again {and that's okay and probably a good thing}, but i do have joy.  and, the person that walks away from surveying the wreck is one who understands that God does show us mercy and sometimes it comes in the form of pain.  let that get you in YOUR core.  it rocks me.

swimming {in the deep end}

I never want to forget these days.  For it is these days right now, this exact season, that I am learning to love Jesus without limit or caution.  

You see, these days I am swimming in the deep end.  I am wrestling with my Savior over some of the larger questions in life.  It is not in the simple, easy chapters when we learn.  For our pain provides momentum for growth and learning.

My Jesus hangs out in the deep end.  He's not chillin' on the shore while I keep this pretty face on of how wonderful my life is.  He beckons me to get dirty and start treading water in the deep end.  There is nothing real about staying safe, trying to prevent or avoid pain, attempting to live the American dream.  I don't want my children to be protected, I want them to understand Jesus.  And, if I want my children to understand Jesus and the fullness of life, I, too, must understand.

In scripture, the minor prophet named Habakkuk begins with this complaint toward the Lord of how much he is suffering and asking questions of why God has not yet rescued him, knowing that he is hurting.  God responds to Habakkuk's griping with "If I told you what I'm going to do, you would never believe it."  In other words, 'Habakkuk shut up, because you are clueless and I've got this figured out.  I know what is best for you and I am meeting you right where you are - in the deep end.'  

Swimming in the deep end requires me to feel vulnerable and tender many days.  I had two tough days this week.  There was nothing really to evoke the sadness.  Grief just sneaks up on you.  Swimming in the deep end means that I will remain keenly aware for all of my days that there are supposed to be five children in this home, not just the three who appear in our family pictures.  Swimming in the deep end means that I have to answer questions about why this tragedy occurred when asked often.  Better yet, why did this tragedy occur two times?  Swimming in the deep end means that I have to keep celebrating as friends become pregnant, have flawless ultrasounds, and take that journey for granted.  Swimming in the deep end means that I will always remember having to hand back my children to a nurse knowing that I would never see them again, having to arrange to have two children cremated, to have the ashes picked up, and to constantly answer questions from my children about why their brothers had to go to heaven and couldn't come play with them or live with us.

The deep end sucks.  But, the deep end is where my Jesus is and where he beckons me to stay.  Jesus isn't concerned with how I FEEL, He is concerned with how I GROW.  As much as I hate some parts of being in the deep end, I would not swim to shore for any amount of money.  My life is about His glory and I can only glorify Him if I know Him deeply and love Him passionately.  He will bind up these wounds and He will redeem these days.  But, for now, I am swimming in the deep end and I don't plan to head to the shore.

Habakkuk concludes his writing with a proclamation that he will be joyful in his affliction and that he will turn his attention to what the Lord is doing in him.

Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord.

 I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

he makes my feet like the feet of a deer

 he enables me to tread on the heights.

I want to know my Jesus more, so I shall keep swimming in the deep end.  It's all about HIM anyways.

walking {with God}

I am currently captivated by a book titled Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel by Mark Atteberry.  Safe to say, the title had me at hello (thanks, Jerry Maguire).  Essentially, what the book communicates is that our trials in life are very similar to the journey taken by the Israelites in their 40 years in the wilderness.  What we fail to take into account though is that the journey itself actually matters.  It is not just about the beginning when the story began or the end when it is all cleared up and everyone leaves happy.  This part, the trek itself, really matters.

Psalm 37:19 - They will survive through hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough.

Trusting God that He is enough {see earlier blog post}.

Isaiah 40:31 - Those who wait on the Lord will find new strength.  They will fly high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not be faint.

It's His timing, not mine.  He really cares about how I'm walking through the wilderness, not as much about whether I get to the end goal.  I am also being taught that it is not my own strength that will keep me walking.  I am faint, but He restores me.

Deuteronomy 10:20 - You must fear the Lord your God and worship Him and cling to Him.

Asking myself the question ' do i worry or worship more?'.  I choose to continue to bear witness to a God who is worthy of being worshipped.  I shutter to think what pain would look like without some hope of a God who promises never to leave me or forsake me.

Matthew 10:18 - This will be your opportunity to tell them about me (God).

I wish that I felt this story was over.  I wish that we could heal our broken hearts, pick up our helmets and walk off the field.  Unfortunately, we truly believe that God has not released us from the call to parent a son on earth.  So, we walk forward in hope and belief, and look forward to giving God the glory for a story that only He could have written.

So, the moral to the story is that I would not have chosen to walk a different road.  For what I am learning on this trek is convincing me that I do want to travel this road.