yes, it has been several months since i've picked up the computer to write. to tell you the truth, i have not had the words to utter. my heart has been processing and i realized that i needed to keep my mouth closed. {i do better that way, ya know!}
my joke is that i get paid to listen. i listen all day in my job. but, often, being still before the sovereign God of the universe and just LISTENING can be a challenge. this last season for me was about listening to Him.
to try to find words to describe what God has revealed or exactly where we are would be silly. but, our dear friend, ryan, shared with us a song with a message that clearly speaks to our heart and describes what we feel the Lord has asked of us.
if you have ever wondered why God allows difficulty in life or what He intends to do with your pain...or if you are one of the people who constantly ask us how we find our strength or what we believe...please take 6 minutes of your time to check this out. i sing it out at the top of my lungs and WEEP every time. may He use this to speak to your heart as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
video
I believe that God told me that our grief, after only having lost Owen, was not to be private. We strongly believe that we must grieve publicly...because it's not about us, it's about Him. I think my preference would be to put on my Southern Belle face, ask how YOU are doing, tell you I'm doing fine, and give you a big smile and hug. HOWEVER, that is about ME. There is no part of this journey that I want to remain inwardly focused. So...that being said...after one of my posts about finding joy after pain, I received a text message from a friend who was charged with leading the women's retreat at our church. She told me how much God was weaving this cool picture with different people learning the same lesson right now :: trust Him despite your circumstance and choose JOY. I wrote back that we knew that God has asked us to be vulnerable and raw so I would help in any way. The below is the outcome of that conversation. It is a very honest video about what God is doing and will do in our lives. We have been asked to do another video also that will include my husband's perspective that I will post when it is complete.
https://vimeo.com/64851940
https://vimeo.com/64851940
rocked to {the core}
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
those words in a song by laura story get me in my core. what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
wow.
not even sure how to wrestle this one down to the ground.
if you know me well, you know that i meet jesus in the bubble bath almost nightly. that's our holy ground where we do business on a frequent basis. {sorry if that's TMI for some of you!} my current reading for the bubble bath is a book about a mother's loss. she talks about how much her life changed, yet joy kept creeping in and eventually found a home in her heart again.
i am moving to a season when the pain is not as raw. i don't have a gaping wound or feel as though i'm standing on the side of the road looking at the carnage of a wreck scene anymore. for truly, God does give us joy and He does provide healing.
going back to what we were told by Him in delivering our second son, Levi -
the joy of the Lord is my strength {nehemiah 8}.
if the joy of the Lord is my strength, then truly the trials of this life are, in fact, His mercies in disguise as laura story writes. i will never be the same again {and that's okay and probably a good thing}, but i do have joy. and, the person that walks away from surveying the wreck is one who understands that God does show us mercy and sometimes it comes in the form of pain. let that get you in YOUR core. it rocks me.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
swimming {in the deep end}
I never want to forget these days. For it is these days right now, this exact season, that I am learning to love Jesus without limit or caution.
You see, these days I am swimming in the deep end. I am wrestling with my Savior over some of the larger questions in life. It is not in the simple, easy chapters when we learn. For our pain provides momentum for growth and learning.
My Jesus hangs out in the deep end. He's not chillin' on the shore while I keep this pretty face on of how wonderful my life is. He beckons me to get dirty and start treading water in the deep end. There is nothing real about staying safe, trying to prevent or avoid pain, attempting to live the American dream. I don't want my children to be protected, I want them to understand Jesus. And, if I want my children to understand Jesus and the fullness of life, I, too, must understand.
In scripture, the minor prophet named Habakkuk begins with this complaint toward the Lord of how much he is suffering and asking questions of why God has not yet rescued him, knowing that he is hurting. God responds to Habakkuk's griping with "If I told you what I'm going to do, you would never believe it." In other words, 'Habakkuk shut up, because you are clueless and I've got this figured out. I know what is best for you and I am meeting you right where you are - in the deep end.'
Swimming in the deep end requires me to feel vulnerable and tender many days. I had two tough days this week. There was nothing really to evoke the sadness. Grief just sneaks up on you. Swimming in the deep end means that I will remain keenly aware for all of my days that there are supposed to be five children in this home, not just the three who appear in our family pictures. Swimming in the deep end means that I have to answer questions about why this tragedy occurred when asked often. Better yet, why did this tragedy occur two times? Swimming in the deep end means that I have to keep celebrating as friends become pregnant, have flawless ultrasounds, and take that journey for granted. Swimming in the deep end means that I will always remember having to hand back my children to a nurse knowing that I would never see them again, having to arrange to have two children cremated, to have the ashes picked up, and to constantly answer questions from my children about why their brothers had to go to heaven and couldn't come play with them or live with us.
The deep end sucks. But, the deep end is where my Jesus is and where he beckons me to stay. Jesus isn't concerned with how I FEEL, He is concerned with how I GROW. As much as I hate some parts of being in the deep end, I would not swim to shore for any amount of money. My life is about His glory and I can only glorify Him if I know Him deeply and love Him passionately. He will bind up these wounds and He will redeem these days. But, for now, I am swimming in the deep end and I don't plan to head to the shore.
Habakkuk concludes his writing with a proclamation that he will be joyful in his affliction and that he will turn his attention to what the Lord is doing in him.
You see, these days I am swimming in the deep end. I am wrestling with my Savior over some of the larger questions in life. It is not in the simple, easy chapters when we learn. For our pain provides momentum for growth and learning.
My Jesus hangs out in the deep end. He's not chillin' on the shore while I keep this pretty face on of how wonderful my life is. He beckons me to get dirty and start treading water in the deep end. There is nothing real about staying safe, trying to prevent or avoid pain, attempting to live the American dream. I don't want my children to be protected, I want them to understand Jesus. And, if I want my children to understand Jesus and the fullness of life, I, too, must understand.
In scripture, the minor prophet named Habakkuk begins with this complaint toward the Lord of how much he is suffering and asking questions of why God has not yet rescued him, knowing that he is hurting. God responds to Habakkuk's griping with "If I told you what I'm going to do, you would never believe it." In other words, 'Habakkuk shut up, because you are clueless and I've got this figured out. I know what is best for you and I am meeting you right where you are - in the deep end.'
Swimming in the deep end requires me to feel vulnerable and tender many days. I had two tough days this week. There was nothing really to evoke the sadness. Grief just sneaks up on you. Swimming in the deep end means that I will remain keenly aware for all of my days that there are supposed to be five children in this home, not just the three who appear in our family pictures. Swimming in the deep end means that I have to answer questions about why this tragedy occurred when asked often. Better yet, why did this tragedy occur two times? Swimming in the deep end means that I have to keep celebrating as friends become pregnant, have flawless ultrasounds, and take that journey for granted. Swimming in the deep end means that I will always remember having to hand back my children to a nurse knowing that I would never see them again, having to arrange to have two children cremated, to have the ashes picked up, and to constantly answer questions from my children about why their brothers had to go to heaven and couldn't come play with them or live with us.
The deep end sucks. But, the deep end is where my Jesus is and where he beckons me to stay. Jesus isn't concerned with how I FEEL, He is concerned with how I GROW. As much as I hate some parts of being in the deep end, I would not swim to shore for any amount of money. My life is about His glory and I can only glorify Him if I know Him deeply and love Him passionately. He will bind up these wounds and He will redeem these days. But, for now, I am swimming in the deep end and I don't plan to head to the shore.
Habakkuk concludes his writing with a proclamation that he will be joyful in his affliction and that he will turn his attention to what the Lord is doing in him.
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord.
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to tread on the heights.
I want to know my Jesus more, so I shall keep swimming in the deep end. It's all about HIM anyways.
Monday, April 8, 2013
walking {with God}
I am currently captivated by a book titled Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel by Mark Atteberry. Safe to say, the title had me at hello (thanks, Jerry Maguire). Essentially, what the book communicates is that our trials in life are very similar to the journey taken by the Israelites in their 40 years in the wilderness. What we fail to take into account though is that the journey itself actually matters. It is not just about the beginning when the story began or the end when it is all cleared up and everyone leaves happy. This part, the trek itself, really matters.
Psalm 37:19 - They will survive through hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough.
Trusting God that He is enough {see earlier blog post}.
Isaiah 40:31 - Those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint.
It's His timing, not mine. He really cares about how I'm walking through the wilderness, not as much about whether I get to the end goal. I am also being taught that it is not my own strength that will keep me walking. I am faint, but He restores me.
Deuteronomy 10:20 - You must fear the Lord your God and worship Him and cling to Him.
Asking myself the question ' do i worry or worship more?'. I choose to continue to bear witness to a God who is worthy of being worshipped. I shutter to think what pain would look like without some hope of a God who promises never to leave me or forsake me.
Matthew 10:18 - This will be your opportunity to tell them about me (God).
I wish that I felt this story was over. I wish that we could heal our broken hearts, pick up our helmets and walk off the field. Unfortunately, we truly believe that God has not released us from the call to parent a son on earth. So, we walk forward in hope and belief, and look forward to giving God the glory for a story that only He could have written.
So, the moral to the story is that I would not have chosen to walk a different road. For what I am learning on this trek is convincing me that I do want to travel this road.
{more than} enough
more than enough...
we rely on God to meet our every need, according to our own timing and desire for happiness
when life becomes difficult, we ask questions
God, why would you allow this to happen?
Are you not good?
Do you not love us?
but, what we must learn in our darkest hour
is that He is enough.
He is enough...
to know what a breaking heart needs
to turn ashes into beauty
to heal broken marriages
to help with the many questions of parenting
to forgive you for any past mistakes
to bottle every tear shed from your eyes
{two} months
it has been 2 months since the day that we walked out of the hospital for the second time with no baby in tow. it has been 2 months since we experienced again the pain that can be caused in a broken world where there are no promises of what we think we deserve. but, it has also been 2 months where we have seen that...
God is good, no matter what we feel
pain is real
everyone has a story and our story belongs to our Savior
children are resilient
marriages can be strengthened in hardship
community is necessary
sometimes you can be blessed by someone who is completely unaware
long, hard cries are healing
faking a smile is not in your best interest
bubble baths bring a necessary quiet time
it is easy to project anger in inappropriate places
grandparents are a gift
everyone has pain at some level
people really want to help, but often don't know how
putting on makeup can improve your mood
sometimes parents need to put themselves in timeout
prayer is essential
we long for heaven and to know our boys
we long for jesus and to know him more
God is good, no matter what we feel
pain is real
everyone has a story and our story belongs to our Savior
children are resilient
marriages can be strengthened in hardship
community is necessary
sometimes you can be blessed by someone who is completely unaware
long, hard cries are healing
faking a smile is not in your best interest
bubble baths bring a necessary quiet time
it is easy to project anger in inappropriate places
grandparents are a gift
everyone has pain at some level
people really want to help, but often don't know how
putting on makeup can improve your mood
sometimes parents need to put themselves in timeout
prayer is essential
we long for heaven and to know our boys
we long for jesus and to know him more
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