i would be lying to you if i didn't readily admit that i have shed many tears tonight. i would be lying to you if i didn't tell you that as i stare at this computer screen it is through blurred vision because my eyes are full and ready to release lots of salty water down my face again.
365 days ago we found out that the son for whom we had prayed for with great hope and passion would be born sleeping. levi bradley woodman, our second born son, was held in our arms for those few sweet hours. we prayed over him. we admired how much he looked like his two big sisters that have the strong woodman genes, lila and ella {owen looked more like the bradley side and his big sis, hali}. we kissed his cheeks. we then had to say 'goodbye' to him.
365 days ago we walked out of a hospital with empty arms, empty hearts and what felt like empty dreams.
on this eve of levi's first birthday in heaven, i wanted to share with you {and to chronicle for our own family's historical sake} what tomorrow will represent. we will be remembering that boy who we wish we could hold again. we will be celebrating that he gets to spend a lifetime in heaven. his sisters are feeling the weight of tomorrow in different ways. tonight at dinner, when told that hali could only have water or milk and not a sweeter drink, her response was, "well, why can't i just have what i want on my brother's birthday?". i couldn't decide whether i was frustrated that she was manipulating us or sad that her heart is so aware of the loss. we hold levi bradley and his big brother {both are known as the "little brother angels" in our home} in our hearts every day and we would do anything to kiss their faces and see them one more time.
but, because jesus is who he says he is and because he is faithful, tomorrow will also represent something else for our family. details matter to God, no doubt.
i was invited to attend a retreat for adoptive mothers SEVERAL months ago. i only had to think about the decision for a few minutes when i knew that this retreat was a no-brainer, total YES decision for me. johnny and i have wanted to adopt an african-american son since long before we were even married or started having children. it was one of those amazing things about dating someone and finding out that he/she shared the same dreams throughout life and that those dreams totally mirrored one another's. anyone who has been around us for any amount of time has heard us talking about the dark-skinned son who we have longed to welcome into our hearts.
well, tomorrow is levi's birthday and tomorrow is also the day {because God cares about details} that i will leave for this retreat where i will be focused solely on hearing from the lord what he desires for our family. i will be hearing from mothers who have adopted from all over the world. and, i am especially excited about the breakout i am taking entitled "what african mothers want you to know about raising black children."
i write this post tonight because really, more than anything, i am desiring to remain completely vulnerable and in a posture with open arms begging for prayer.
would you please pray for our broken hearts as we remember levi tomorrow?
would you please pray that our hearts would remain hopeful as we continue into the month and celebrate owen's 2nd birthday in heaven on feb 21st?
would you please pray for clarity and wisdom as i seek the lord this weekend on this retreat about adoption?
would you please pray, that if it is the lord's will, that it would not be a hard and long journey to this little boy who we pray will carry the name 'woodman'?
the concept of adoption was much more whimsical and exciting when it didn't come behind such pain. we stand firm that God called us to parent this little boy LONG before our losses, but it is much more heart-wrenching after the road that we have walked.
this is very difficult for me to unveil exactly where we are right now because there is always a chance that the adoption does not happen. heck, i haven't even gotten myself to complete the initial paperwork yet! however YOU, our community, have stood with us through the dark days so we now ask that you pray for us at this next stage. we need your prayers BIG time. if the next season is adoption for us, this will be so big in many ways and God has to show off. i need to get our paperwork submitted, our family needs to begin to prepare, our profile needs to be chosen by a mother, and we have to save a whole lot of money before this little boy can come home. we believe that God is faithful and we believe that there is, once again, a little boy who we will hold one day. i resonate with hillsong's lyric "spirit, lead me where my faith is without borders." yes, this is faith and this is hard and beautiful all at the same time.
tomorrow is a big day around here. tomorrow is one of those days that i will look back on for the rest of my life.
happy birthday in heaven, sweet levi bradley woodman.
