{undeserved} abundance

in the darkest moments of life,

you learn the richest lessons.

for me right now, one of the things i am learning is about what i mistakenly think i deserve.

do not take anything for granted.

sure, this one sounds easy and you hear it all of the time, right?

but, what i am beginning to see more and more is that we are not owed anything.

every single thing is a blessing {noun, meaning God's favor and protection}, 

not earned based on merit or good character or what we think we deserve.

this means that when i lie my head on my pillow at night, regardless of whether my husband picked up his clothes off of the floor or said all of the loving things i thought i needed him to say that day, that i must thank God for him.  that i must reconcile verbally and by action any division that could have occurred between us during the day.  i must not take my husband, who serves as God's greatest gift to me for a lifetime of partnership and companionship, for granted.

in counseling sessions, i am always hearing couples explain how their spouses are not meeting their needs and making them happy.  guess what, people?  you were not created to be happy, you were created to be holy and give your life away.  do not, for a minute, think that this man or woman by your side was randomly selected to be there, does not serve a purpose, and is not a blessing.  i am choosing to focus on my own responsibility in my marriage, which stated biblically is to be a helpmate to my husband.  i would love for you to join me because as you give to your spouse, you are quickly reminded that it is not about you and the selfishness melts away leaving a much more beautiful reflection of marriage and committed affection.

this also means that when i am dead tired at the end of the night and it is time to put three cute little bodies to bed, that i must not do that with a heart of hastiness wanting it to end soon so that i can accomplish what i have on my mind to do or with a heart that does not acknowledge that every opportunity to tuck those girls into bed, say prayers with them, and kiss their little foreheads goodnight is a blessing.  for i do not deserve those girls, God chose to bless us with them.  and, for that, i am exceedingly and abundantly grateful.

i will never again take a healthy ultrasound for granted.  i will never again be able to look at our girls without such awe and wonder of what little miracles they truly have been formed to be.  i will never again speak words to other mommies like, "don't you want more children or don't you want a boy/girl?" because i do not know the painful road that has led them to this particular day.  i will cherish the opportunity to raise these three girls and i will savor the days.  the days are so long, but the years are so short.

this also means that i must recognize that life does have some crazy twists, 

that sometimes people will disappoint us or medical bills stack up or you feel the weight of the constant to-do list in life or even sometimes you may lose a child.

i am learning again and again that my attitude affects everything and i deserve nothing.  whether you are in the carpool line or sitting at your desk in your corporate job, there is something that you can acknowledge as God's blessing to you on that day in that particular moment.  

i am blessed beyond measure.  even in this darkest hour of my life, i can see that i have been given far more than what i could have hoped or imagined.  but, this has nothing to do with me.  this has everything to do with a God who sent His only son to sacrifice so that i could have life to its full measure.  

you have that same life.  embrace the abundance in your life and acknowledge those blessings as such.

because like me, you do not deserve it.

{as i complete this writing, i am fully aware that many of you struggle with being in a place where you feel that you cannot find hope or acknowledge blessings.  if this is you and you would like to communicate personally, i would love to offer any help that i can.  at a minimum, i would love to be praying for you.  feel free to email me at rebecca.woodman@foresthill.org. this journey was not meant to be walked alone.}

{desiring} redemption

To remain completely real with you, I want to share what my greatest learning has been of late.  

Redemption.  

I am learning more and more that our humanity teaches us that we deserve redemption.  That we are guaranteed that all things that hurt or cause pain will one day be made "right."

In scripture in the book of Joel, one of my very favorite passages tells us that God will restore the years that the locusts have eaten away.  I have CLUNG to this knowledge for many, many years.  It brings such hope.

When we finally decided to post publicly about the pregnancy with Levi, I said the following:

God promises us that He will restore the years that have been taken away :: as you grieved with us last year through the loss of Owen, we would love for you to now celebrate with us the hope of redeemed pain :: due 7.21.13 with a BOY (one year to the day of Owen's due date!) :: humbled, grateful, hopeful.

We firmly believed that Levi was God's redemption for the pain of losing Owen.  We believed that he was a blessing back from the Lord for what was lost.

What I am learning through the tears is this - God will ALWAYS redeem and restore.  He has promised us that.  However, we may not be privy to the evidence.  It is our own selfishness that believes that we must see the good from the bad or the beauty from the ashes.

I must trust that God will restore...even if I am not in the front row.  I desire redemption.  There WILL be redemption.  But, this is about making His name great...this is not about me, or my comfort or need to know.  

We remain humbled, grateful, and hopeful.

{completely} empty

I returned back to work this week...to the life of ministry {which I love and know that I am called to}.  This return also means that I go back to a consistent need for self-reflection.  You see, as a pastor and counselor, I can only help others as far as God helps me.  I can only give out of the cup that God so generously fills for me.

In one of my regular meetings this week {the first since my return}, my boss was doing a devotion on the passage in Matthew 16 on taking up your cross.

²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. {Matthew 16}

I honestly could have burst into tears right then and there.  One of my colleagues actually joked when my boss said, "so, what does it mean to take up your cross and lose your life?".  My friend said, "live like Rebecca is."  {HA, HA}  We laughed, but unfortunately that is how I feel.  And, I don't mean that in the proud sense.  I mean that in the sense of...I am empty.  Jesus is all I have to fill these hard, dark spots.  I must take up my cross and follow Him, and Him alone.

Empty for me currently looks like, but is not limited to, the following:

• no understanding of how God will use the pain of losing two children
• physically depleted - stomach flu 2xs in a month, infection in cervix, pink eye, recovering from labor and delivery - it's not been pretty!
• little desire for social interaction - learning to be quiet during this season of listening
• being needed by my husband to help with the small tasks in life - complete dependency because of his knee injury {pray that he gets the approval to drive this week, it's been a long 10 weeks!}
• desperately wanting to hear God's voice, but struggling to make sense of anything

The encouragement for me in this passage, however, is that Jesus was saying that whoever loses their life for their Savior will eventually find it.  You see, I want the life that He provides.  I want that life of being completely emptied of my own junk.  I want to be emptied of the selfishness, the pride, the resentment, the self-pity...all of those things that entangle me.  And, I would venture to guess that some of those same things might entangle some of you who I love as well.

As much as it causes pain and as much as I would never choose this current road of suffering, I fully intend to take up my cross and follow my Jesus.  I want to be emptied, only to know Him more and be filled with more of Him.  If I can be more like Jesus or look more like Him, you can take this life and shove it!  Empty me completely.