{completely} empty

I returned back to work this week...to the life of ministry {which I love and know that I am called to}.  This return also means that I go back to a consistent need for self-reflection.  You see, as a pastor and counselor, I can only help others as far as God helps me.  I can only give out of the cup that God so generously fills for me.

In one of my regular meetings this week {the first since my return}, my boss was doing a devotion on the passage in Matthew 16 on taking up your cross.

²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. {Matthew 16}

I honestly could have burst into tears right then and there.  One of my colleagues actually joked when my boss said, "so, what does it mean to take up your cross and lose your life?".  My friend said, "live like Rebecca is."  {HA, HA}  We laughed, but unfortunately that is how I feel.  And, I don't mean that in the proud sense.  I mean that in the sense of...I am empty.  Jesus is all I have to fill these hard, dark spots.  I must take up my cross and follow Him, and Him alone.

Empty for me currently looks like, but is not limited to, the following:

• no understanding of how God will use the pain of losing two children
• physically depleted - stomach flu 2xs in a month, infection in cervix, pink eye, recovering from labor and delivery - it's not been pretty!
• little desire for social interaction - learning to be quiet during this season of listening
• being needed by my husband to help with the small tasks in life - complete dependency because of his knee injury {pray that he gets the approval to drive this week, it's been a long 10 weeks!}
• desperately wanting to hear God's voice, but struggling to make sense of anything

The encouragement for me in this passage, however, is that Jesus was saying that whoever loses their life for their Savior will eventually find it.  You see, I want the life that He provides.  I want that life of being completely emptied of my own junk.  I want to be emptied of the selfishness, the pride, the resentment, the self-pity...all of those things that entangle me.  And, I would venture to guess that some of those same things might entangle some of you who I love as well.

As much as it causes pain and as much as I would never choose this current road of suffering, I fully intend to take up my cross and follow my Jesus.  I want to be emptied, only to know Him more and be filled with more of Him.  If I can be more like Jesus or look more like Him, you can take this life and shove it!  Empty me completely.