Normal life? Is there even such a thing? Does "normal" exist? As a therapist, I have been asked the questions many times "when will I feel 'normal' again?" or "when will life return to normal?". My response was an automatic, "you will have a new normal now" or "there is no 'normal'."
The bottomline for me about "normal" is that if life is only about seeking my own happiness and desperately trying to stay pain-free then I want no part of "normal." I do not aim to be simply comfortable or status quo. In this brokenhearted moment, God is speaking to us and we are trying to listen. C.S. Lewis, one of the greatest Christian authors of all time, said once that "God whispers to us in our pleasures...but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." I have been reminded of many things through this journey that I already knew, tell clients regularly, but apparently needed to be spoken again to my own soul:
1. being anxious does not prevent pain :: God allows what He knows will grow our character and our understanding of Him, despite how much we may worry or fret
2. in the darkest moments of life, there is a light that continues to shine :: you must simply look for it
3. my life is not for my own selfish purposes, my life is to be a living sacrifice - holy and pleasing to Him
4. we learn so much from pain, we learn so little from peace
5. time does NOT heal all wounds :: I will forever miss Owen and Levi, I will forever wish that I could hold them and watch them grow, I will forever wish that I knew them now and did not have to wait until heaven to see their precious faces again
6. trials in life only have the power that I give to them :: I have the ability to choose joy, however difficult that may be
Here is another big one - life requires us to return to "normal." Because people are uncomfortable with knowing what to do for you or say to you and really want to see you happy and because the person in pain wants to move out of the place that he/she is in, we dive back into the deep waters of real life. Often, this is a premature, forced effort.
This week I have begun the slow return to what our "normal" looks like. This return has included picking up the kids from preschool, going to doctor appointments, returning phone calls that have been delayed, etc. What I cannot return to as quickly, however, is the JOY part of life. I cannot fake it. Joy is difficult right now. We were driving home from Johnny's work today (that's another current side story in our lives for another day) and when discussing the events of the day he asked me the question, "So, did you have fun?". The question stopped me dead in my tracks because I quickly realized that I have forgotten what it means to "have fun." You see, returning to normal tasks must occur (or so the world tells us) but returning to a normal state of emotions does not happen as quickly, or ever.
Tomorrow I will begin my own counseling. I have been in counseling in the past and strongly preach the importance to friends and colleagues, and of course I encourage my clients that they have made a right decision by seeking help in the hard times. To sit on the other side of the desk and explain this story that God is writing will be challenging for me, yet so necessary. Pray that I do not spend the time sitting on the couch evaluating how effective the therapist is and actually focus on the task at hand! :)
On Friday night, Johnny and I had one of those moments. For those of you who know our boisterous, outgoing ways, you would be surprised how quiet we are right now. On this particular night, we were just sitting on the bed, listening to songs that people felt prompted by the Lord to send to us, and we were dead silent. Many of the songs spoke to our hearts, but there is one specifically that really fits where we are (see the lyrics and link below, if interested). We sat on the bed, holding hands, and crying...the messy, healing kind of crying. The song reminds us that God is there in all times - when we hurt, when we are healing, when we question, and when we feel sorrow. I believe that God's "normal" is that He is always there, despite the fact that our "normal" has changed.
As we try to gain our composure, put smiles on our faces, and muster the energy to tackle the demands of daily life, we will remember that God is in this battle with us. No, not just that He's in the battle with us - He is leading us, He loves us, and He carries us. Yes, we have a new normal. We have a new normal again. But, we choose joy and we choose to believe that God's story during this battle is for good. I hope you will do the same when the trials come.
With broken hearts and open hands,
Rebecca {and John}
Song "Times" by Tenth Avenue North (referenced above)
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fallen, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.It never ends.
