{painful} beginnings

I believe that I originated this blog site about 2 years ago.  It had been said to me many times that I should try my hand at blogging, perhaps thinking that I could share some of my meager knowledge in the sphere of counseling or some crazy stories from life with the three girls who live in our home {affectionately known as The Blondetourage}, hence the name "Mommy in Ministry."  However, I allowed life to slip between the time that I spent sitting at a computer and journaling thoughts.  Life was fast and furious for us, even after a painful loss this time last year.  I am going to utilize this blog now as a form of therapy for my soul.  So, if you aren't down with a lengthy, completely authentic and vulnerable writing, you may want to cut your losses and stop reading now.  You are politely excused!  :)

Life WAS fast and furious, as stated previously.  At this very moment, however, on February 17th of 2013 life feels as though it is barely creeping by us.  Days are long and hard.  We experienced the loss of our second child 10 days ago on Feb 7th.  It was not our second child to be born, but dreadfully the actual SECOND child that we had to say goodbye to on this side of heaven.  No one should have to walk through birthing a child with no breath or hope of survival.  We never thought that we would walk that road TWO times.  

Our hearts are aching, gaping wide open.  When I'm alone, particularly in the shower or the car, I cry long, hard, and very loudly.  It is a desperate cry, a cry that really is my heart communicating with the Lord.  The human side of me asks questions like this...

"Why, Lord?"

"Wasn't one time enough?"

"Didn't we strive to bring You glory in the midst of that pain with Owen?  Again, really?"

"We told you, God, that we were okay with our son having a heart defect or a physical deformity, but we just wanted his life.  Why could we not just have his life?"

"Why do we have to suffer through the horror of birthing another son who we love deeply only to never get to see him take a breath?"

"How is this fair?"

Then, I am reminded of what I KNOW to be true of God.  I cannot tell you how often I have thought that in the painful, challenging seasons of life we must cling to what we KNOW to be true of God, not what we necessary may FEEL about Him.  My emotions and feelings will very much fail and deceive me in a time such as this one.

Our senior pastor, David, texted me the other morning and said that he felt led to come visit and pray for us the other day.  He said that he felt that the Lord had whispered a few things to him for us to hear.  What he heard from the Lord were three things that I never want to forget.

1.  The numbness that you currently feel is for your protection and it will wear off.  We are only able to psychologically handle so much pain at a time.  With this journey of the loss of two sons, we have not only experienced loss but also trauma.  It is quite traumatic to arrive at the hospital pregnant, birth a stillborn child, and leave with empty arms.  What the Lord is doing is protecting us from the depth of pain that we could/should feel so that we have time to heal, then the second wave will come.

2.  He is allowing us to share in HIs sufferings [Romans 8:17].  If there is anyone who really "gets" losing a son it is our Heavenly Father.  For not only did He have to suffer through the loss, but He had to make the decision to lose His son.  We firmly believe that our faith goes so much farther and deeper when we understand what it means to share in the sufferings of Christ.

3.  He has chosen us [Colossians 3].  This one makes me cry every time.  Understand that our pastor was not telling us that God is a punishing God who thought that it would be good for us, His children, to feel pain.  He is actually allowing us the HONOR of being chosen to walk this road because He has great plans for our future, because He wants us to fully understand Him and His character, because He believes that we will carry His name well through the billows of hell.  I am more than honored to walk this road if it will, in some way, make my God who I love passionately more known. 

There is so much that my heart could tell you right now.  Many of you want to know if they know what happened, or what we are thinking, or what our plans for the future may be.  For now, just know that I will continue to blog as I am able...honestly and for therapeutic purposes...and you will hear as much {or more} of this journey that you care to hear.

Please try to see Jesus in this story.  We were never promised an easy road.  The joy of the Lord is our strength [Nehemiah 8].

Be blessed and thank you for loving us.

With broken hearts and open hands,

Rebecca {and John}