You see, these days I am swimming in the deep end. I am wrestling with my Savior over some of the larger questions in life. It is not in the simple, easy chapters when we learn. For our pain provides momentum for growth and learning.
My Jesus hangs out in the deep end. He's not chillin' on the shore while I keep this pretty face on of how wonderful my life is. He beckons me to get dirty and start treading water in the deep end. There is nothing real about staying safe, trying to prevent or avoid pain, attempting to live the American dream. I don't want my children to be protected, I want them to understand Jesus. And, if I want my children to understand Jesus and the fullness of life, I, too, must understand.
In scripture, the minor prophet named Habakkuk begins with this complaint toward the Lord of how much he is suffering and asking questions of why God has not yet rescued him, knowing that he is hurting. God responds to Habakkuk's griping with "If I told you what I'm going to do, you would never believe it." In other words, 'Habakkuk shut up, because you are clueless and I've got this figured out. I know what is best for you and I am meeting you right where you are - in the deep end.'
Swimming in the deep end requires me to feel vulnerable and tender many days. I had two tough days this week. There was nothing really to evoke the sadness. Grief just sneaks up on you. Swimming in the deep end means that I will remain keenly aware for all of my days that there are supposed to be five children in this home, not just the three who appear in our family pictures. Swimming in the deep end means that I have to answer questions about why this tragedy occurred when asked often. Better yet, why did this tragedy occur two times? Swimming in the deep end means that I have to keep celebrating as friends become pregnant, have flawless ultrasounds, and take that journey for granted. Swimming in the deep end means that I will always remember having to hand back my children to a nurse knowing that I would never see them again, having to arrange to have two children cremated, to have the ashes picked up, and to constantly answer questions from my children about why their brothers had to go to heaven and couldn't come play with them or live with us.
The deep end sucks. But, the deep end is where my Jesus is and where he beckons me to stay. Jesus isn't concerned with how I FEEL, He is concerned with how I GROW. As much as I hate some parts of being in the deep end, I would not swim to shore for any amount of money. My life is about His glory and I can only glorify Him if I know Him deeply and love Him passionately. He will bind up these wounds and He will redeem these days. But, for now, I am swimming in the deep end and I don't plan to head to the shore.
Habakkuk concludes his writing with a proclamation that he will be joyful in his affliction and that he will turn his attention to what the Lord is doing in him.
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord.
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to tread on the heights.
I want to know my Jesus more, so I shall keep swimming in the deep end. It's all about HIM anyways.
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